拒絕的藝術(shù)
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親愛(ài)的安妮：當(dāng)有人要求我去做不屬于我份內(nèi)的事情時(shí)，我該如何巧妙地拒絕，又不至于讓自己看起來(lái)顯得粗魯無(wú)禮，同時(shí)又不會(huì)斷了門(mén)路？希望您不會(huì)認(rèn)為這是個(gè)愚蠢的問(wèn)題，但我確實(shí)需要您的建議。過(guò)去幾年，部門(mén)有額外的任務(wù)都會(huì)交給我，而且數(shù)量越來(lái)越多。我很愿意幫忙，雖然這通常意味著每天晚上要加班一兩個(gè)小時(shí)來(lái)完成這些工作。 ????可現(xiàn)在，與我住在一起的父親年事已高，而且有病在身，我必須在下午六點(diǎn)鐘準(zhǔn)時(shí)下班，來(lái)接替保姆。所以，我想建議部門(mén)將原先我做的那些額外的工作分?jǐn)偨o其他五個(gè)人負(fù)責(zé)——聽(tīng)起來(lái)很容易，只是我生來(lái)不擅長(zhǎng)拒絕。對(duì)我而言，相比讓別人失望的感覺(jué)，我更愿意點(diǎn)頭說(shuō)“是”。您或您的讀者有什么建議嗎？——D.D. 親愛(ài)的D.D.：首先，我并不認(rèn)為這是一個(gè)“愚蠢的問(wèn)題”。演講家、作家鮑勃?伯格也有同樣的觀點(diǎn)。他在《財(cái)富》500強(qiáng)公司（Fortune 500）召開(kāi)的研討會(huì)上經(jīng)常聽(tīng)到類(lèi)似的問(wèn)題。伯格說(shuō)：“女性告訴我，她們?cè)谡f(shuō)‘不’的時(shí)候尤其困難。但我認(rèn)為男性也面臨同樣的問(wèn)題，只是他們很少承認(rèn)而已。” ????他補(bǔ)充說(shuō)：“大多數(shù)人都很友好，不喜歡讓別人失望。只要違背了我們的下意識(shí)，就是沖動(dòng)占據(jù)上風(fēng)的時(shí)候，結(jié)果就會(huì)讓我們做出一些不符合自己最佳利益的事情。” ????而且，你的情況是，工作量正在一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)地增加，直到自己背負(fù)了所有額外的工作。而嚴(yán)格意義上來(lái)說(shuō)，這些工作并不屬于你的職責(zé)范圍。這種情況非常普遍，甚至有一個(gè)專門(mén)的名稱：范圍蔓延。伯格說(shuō)：“我經(jīng)常聽(tīng)到客戶公司的員工抱怨這方面的問(wèn)題。范圍蔓延在咨詢中很常見(jiàn)，因?yàn)樵谧稍冺?xiàng)目中，對(duì)項(xiàng)目結(jié)果有固定的預(yù)期，但范圍卻持續(xù)蔓延，直到超出了原先協(xié)定的或合理的范圍。” ????應(yīng)該如何解決這個(gè)問(wèn)題呢？伯格曾寫(xiě)過(guò)一本書(shū)，書(shū)名是《化敵為友》（Adversaries into Allies: Win People Over Without Coercion or Manipulation），專門(mén)談到過(guò)這個(gè)問(wèn)題。他認(rèn)為，“說(shuō)‘不’是個(gè)完結(jié)性的答案”，而這個(gè)觀點(diǎn)最近因?yàn)閵W普拉?溫弗瑞等人得到了廣泛的流傳。“有人對(duì)我說(shuō)‘不’的時(shí)候，我會(huì)感到很難堪。當(dāng)有人要求你做某件事時(shí)，直接說(shuō)‘不’是很無(wú)禮的行為。這種做法會(huì)讓自己與其他人日益疏遠(yuǎn)，進(jìn)而讓自己的工作寸步難行，最終喪失了未來(lái)的發(fā)展機(jī)會(huì)。” ????他建議，更好的方法是與五位同事進(jìn)行一次非正式的簡(jiǎn)短會(huì)議，向他們解釋，從現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始，你必須在下午6點(diǎn)下班。伯格說(shuō)：“從‘我’的角度來(lái)傳達(dá)你的信息。”提前準(zhǔn)備好講話內(nèi)容，比如：“我有事要說(shuō)一下。我在團(tuán)隊(duì)里一直在承擔(dān)一些額外的任務(wù)。雖然我很高興能對(duì)團(tuán)隊(duì)有所幫助，但現(xiàn)在我遇到問(wèn)題了。由于家庭原因，我必須在6點(diǎn)準(zhǔn)時(shí)下班。” ????伯格表示：“說(shuō)話中注意使用‘我’和‘你們’的頻率。比如‘一直以來(lái)，你們讓我承擔(dān)了太多額外的工作。’一味強(qiáng)調(diào)‘我’會(huì)讓人們感覺(jué)受到了指責(zé)，結(jié)果只會(huì)讓他們產(chǎn)生防御的姿態(tài)”——進(jìn)而不太可能同意重新分配工作負(fù)擔(dān)的建議。然后提出你可以幫忙制定一個(gè)制度，在團(tuán)隊(duì)成員之間平均分配額外的工作，同時(shí)征求他們有哪些更好的意見(jiàn)。 |
Dear Annie: I hope you don't think this is a dumb problem, but I need some advice on how to refuse when people ask me to do things that aren't part of my job description, without being rude about it or burning any bridges. Over the past several years, I've gradually become the "go-to" person in my department for more and more extra tasks. I'm happy to help out, even though it usually means staying an extra hour or two in the evenings to get everything done. ????But now, my family has my elderly and ill father living with us, and I need to leave work at 6 p.m. on the dot to relieve the home-care nurse. So I want to bring up the idea of dividing the extra work I've been doing among the five other people on my team -- which sounds simple, except that all my life I've had trouble saying "no" to anything that anyone wants me to do. It's always been easier for me to just say yes than to deal with the feeling that I'm letting someone down. Do you or your readers have any advice? -- Doormat in Denver Dear D.D.: First of all, I don't think this is a "dumb problem," and neither does Bob Burg, a speaker and author who frequently hears some variation of this question from audience members in his seminars at Fortune 500 companies. "Women tell me they have an especially hard time saying 'no,' but I think it's a problem for men, too," Burg says. "They just don't admit it as much. ????"Most people are generally nice and don't like to disappoint other people," he adds. "Where it gets counterproductive is when that impulse takes over and makes us do things that aren't in our own best interests." ????Moreover, the situation you're in -- where a job just keeps expanding, little by little, until you're loaded down with all kinds of extra duties that aren't technically your responsibility -- is so common that it actually has a name: Scope creep. "You often hear people in client businesses complain about this," says Burg. "It happens a lot in consulting, where there are certain set expectations at the outset of a project, but the scope just keeps expanding until it's gone way over the line of what was agreed upon or what's reasonable." ????So how do you cure your scope creep? Burg, who wrote a book called Adversaries into Allies: Win People Over Without Coercion or Manipulation, takes issue with the notion, popularized lately by Oprah Winfrey and others, that "No is a complete answer." "I cringe when I hear that. Saying 'no,' period, when someone asks you to do something is rude. It also tends to alienate people, which can make your job more difficult and cut you off from future opportunities." ????A better approach, he says, is to call an informal, five-minute meeting with your five coworkers and explain that, from now on, you'll be leaving the office no later than 6. "Frame this announcement as an 'I' message," Burg suggests. Prepare a little speech beforehand where you say something like, "I need to bring something up. I've allowed myself to take on a lot of extra tasks here and, while I've enjoyed helping out, it's an issue now because I have to leave at 6 for family reasons." ????"Notice how often you say 'I', rather than 'you,' as in, 'You all have been dumping too much extra stuff on me for a while now,'" says Burg. "Focusing on the 'I' keeps people from feeling they're being accused, which will just make them defensive" -- and less likely to go along with your plan to redistribute the workload. Then say you'd like to work out a system for sharing the extra work equally among the group, and ask for suggestions about how best to do that. |
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