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親愛的安妮：我曾在一家公司擔(dān)任高級(jí)經(jīng)理，現(xiàn)在我真的很想回到那里。但到目前為止我連個(gè)面試機(jī)會(huì)都沒有爭(zhēng)取到，原因是我寫的一封電子郵件。在我離職前，頂頭上司的指示總是和總部的意思相悖，這讓我受了很多挫折（這是我辭職的一大原因）。從那以后，情況有了很大變化，公司進(jìn)行了兼并，我原來(lái)的老板也不在了。

因此，我決定應(yīng)聘，那個(gè)職位和我原來(lái)的工作差不多。但不幸的是，在寫給前老板繼任者的電郵里，我解釋了自己此前離職的原因，也就是在前老板手下工作為什么那么讓人沮喪。結(jié)果，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這封電郵讓人力資源總監(jiān)和新老板非常生氣，而且現(xiàn)在依然如此，所以他們無(wú)論什么職位都不愿意考慮我，盡管我有這樣的資歷。雖然有這樣的問(wèn)題，但我真的很想回去，因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)在那兒工作是我度過(guò)的最快樂的時(shí)光。有什么辦法能讓我向他們道歉并說(shuō)服他們重新聘用我嗎？——匿名者，懇請(qǐng)幫忙

親愛的匿名者：哎，你可能已經(jīng)徹頭徹尾地毀掉了這個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)。但在很大程度上，這還要看你是不是真的對(duì)自己在那封糟糕的電郵里說(shuō)的話感到后悔。

管理人員培訓(xùn)機(jī)構(gòu)The Gregg Ward Group首席執(zhí)行官格雷格·沃德認(rèn)為：“人們都有相當(dāng)出色的測(cè)謊功能，而且通常他們都能分辨出你是否真的感到抱歉。”這家公司設(shè)在圣地亞哥市，客戶包括百時(shí)美施貴寶、洛克希德·馬丁以及美國(guó)航空航天局。沃德還寫了部新書，名叫《令人尊敬的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)者：去影響而不是脅迫別人的七種方法》（The Respectful Leader: Seven Ways to Influence Without Intimidation）。“如果你道歉的原因只是想達(dá)到自己的目的——具體來(lái)說(shuō)是重新上崗——那就不用麻煩了，還不如干點(diǎn)兒別的。”

不過(guò)，讓我們假設(shè)你真的感到抱歉，就像作家多蘿西·帕克說(shuō)的，“說(shuō)實(shí)話辦壞事”。職場(chǎng)上的道歉特別需要技巧，而且CEO們特別不善長(zhǎng)這樣做，這一點(diǎn)眾所周知。沃德認(rèn)為，公眾人物經(jīng)常躲在“不是道歉的道歉”背后，“我們都見過(guò)，政壇人物、電影明星和運(yùn)動(dòng)員搞砸了事情，從而讓自己的職業(yè)生涯處于危險(xiǎn)之中，然后做出不是道歉的道歉。” 沃德還說(shuō)，這些虛情假意的道歉會(huì)用一些“模糊詞語(yǔ)，比如‘如果我說(shuō)了傷人的話，我很抱歉’或者‘我向所有我可能冒犯了的人道歉’。所有這些表達(dá)方式都是在為道歉的人甩鍋，所以大家都會(huì)覺得他并不是出于真心。”

你一定得避免這種情況，并且要真的道歉。按沃德的定義，這至少包括七個(gè)部分（順便說(shuō)一下，大量學(xué)術(shù)研究都支持沃德的這個(gè)觀點(diǎn)。比如說(shuō)，俄亥俄州立大學(xué)最近的一項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，在獲得別人原諒的六個(gè)步驟中，“承擔(dān)責(zé)任”是最重要的一環(huán)。）

這七個(gè)步驟如下：

1.承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤。人們總想把自己的過(guò)失歸咎于別人，比如天氣、交通或者木星逆行。別這樣做。要直截了當(dāng)?shù)爻姓J(rèn)自己不應(yīng)該寫那封電郵，而且就此打住。

2.解釋一下自己所做的為何如此不妥。明確指出你的電郵有哪些不友善或者不專業(yè)（亦或二者兼有）的地方，這可能有助于說(shuō)服那些被它冒犯的人，讓他們相信你理解并重視他們的觀點(diǎn)。

3.不要做解釋。這一點(diǎn)非常重要，基本上等同于第一步的重復(fù)。也許你這一天都過(guò)的很糟心，或者你的長(zhǎng)尾小鸚鵡剛剛死去，又或者（最有可能）原來(lái)的老板讓你受打擊的時(shí)間太長(zhǎng)，以至于你必須一吐為快。但問(wèn)題在于，你想求得諒解的人不關(guān)心這個(gè)問(wèn)題。沃德說(shuō)：“你一找借口，對(duì)方就什么也聽不進(jìn)去了。”

4.表示自己真的很抱歉。沃德指出，低聲下氣對(duì)許多人來(lái)說(shuō)都是件痛苦的事，原因是“我們不喜歡負(fù)罪感，特別是我們本來(lái)就根本不打算傷害別人的時(shí)候。這會(huì)讓自尊大受打擊。”

5.保證不再犯。沃德說(shuō)，為了不讓別人覺得你道歉只是想重新進(jìn)入那家公司，“你必須非常清楚地表明，無(wú)論今后在哪里工作，自己都絕不會(huì)再犯這樣的錯(cuò)誤了。這和求職無(wú)關(guān)。這是從錯(cuò)誤中吸取教訓(xùn)，并且取得進(jìn)步。”

6.提出補(bǔ)償建議。對(duì)于自己冒犯的人，如果能想到任何補(bǔ)償辦法，就提出來(lái)。既然你跟對(duì)方（還）不是同事，你就可以用這樣的方式來(lái)表明自己希望他們?cè)俳o你一次自我證明的機(jī)會(huì)。

7. 就第六步采取行動(dòng)。如果可能，用實(shí)際行動(dòng)來(lái)證明自己的話。

沃德說(shuō)：“如果貫徹這七個(gè)步驟，人們一定會(huì)原諒你，而且往往會(huì)比你犯錯(cuò)之前更尊敬你”。但做到這一點(diǎn)并不容易，特別是你這樣的情況，因?yàn)椤澳惚仨毞謩e向兩個(gè)生你氣的人道歉。”

當(dāng)然，讓人感到鼓舞的是你愿意重復(fù)這七個(gè)步驟的態(tài)度或許就能讓人力資源總監(jiān)和新老板相信你的誠(chéng)意。

祝你好運(yùn)！（財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

譯者：Charlie

校對(duì)：詹妮

Dear Annie:?I really want to be rehired by a company where I used to be a senior manager, but so far I haven’t even been able to get an interview there. The reason is an email that I wrote. Before I left my former position, I had been reporting to someone whose expectations conflicted with what headquarters wanted, which created a lot of frustration for me (a big reason why I quit). A lot has happened since then, including a merger, and my old boss is no longer there.

So I decided to apply for an opening similar to my old job, and unfortunately I sent an email to the person who replaced my old boss that included an explanation of why I left, that is, why working for this new person’s predecessor was so frustrating. Now, I’ve discovered that both the director of human resources and the new boss were, and are still, so offended by that email that I won’t be considered for any position at the company, despite my qualifications. I really want to go back because, despite the problems, I’ve realized that I was at my happiest when I worked there. Is there any way I can apologize and persuade them to rehire me? —Anonymous, Please

Dear A.P.:?Yikes. You may have well and truly burned this bridge right down to the ground. But a lot depends on whether you genuinely regret what you put in that disastrous email.

“People have pretty good B.S. detectors, and they can usually tell whether you’re sincerely sorry,” says Gregg Ward, CEO of San-Diego-based executive coaching firm The Gregg Ward Group, whose clients include Bristol-Myers Squibb,?Lockheed Martin, and NASA. Ward is also the author of a new book,?The Respectful Leader: Seven Ways to Influence Without Intimidation. “If you’re only apologizing in order to get what you want — in this instance, to get rehired — don’t even bother. Just move on.”

But let’s suppose you really are sorry about having given in to what Dorothy Parker used to call “a bad case of the frankies.” Apologies in workplace settings are especially?tricky, and?CEOs?in particular are notoriously bad at them. Public figures often hide behind “a non-apology apology,” says Ward. “We’ve all heard politicians, movie stars, and athletes make non-apology apologies after they’ve screwed up somehow and put their careers at risk.” The hallmarks of these phony?mea culpas are “weasel words, such as, ‘I’m sorry if?what I said was hurtful’ or ‘I’m sorry to anyone I might have?offended,’” he adds. “All of these phrases shift responsibility away from the apologizer, so nobody believes he or she really means it.”

You definitely want to avoid that, and make a real apology, which by Ward’s definition includes no fewer than 7 parts. (Plenty of academic research backs him up on this, by the way, including one recent Ohio State University?study?that found that, among the half-dozen steps it takes to win someone’s forgiveness, “accepting responsibility” is the single most important element.)

Here are the 7 steps:

1.Admit you were at fault.?It’s tempting to try shifting the blame to other people — or the weather, or the traffic, or Jupiter in retrograde — for our own mistakes. Don’t. Simply acknowledge that you shouldn’t have written that email, period.

2.Describe why what you did was wrong.?Pinpointing exactly what was unkind or unprofessional (or both) about your email could help persuade the people offended by it that you understand, and value, their point of view.

3.Skip the excuses.?This one is so crucial that it’s essentially a reiteration of Number One, above. Maybe you were having a rotten day, or your parakeet had just died, or (most likely) you had been frustrated with your old boss for so long that you just needed to vent. But here’s the thing: The people whose pardon you’re seeking do not care. “As soon as you make an excuse,” says Ward, “the other person shuts down.”

4.State that you’re truly sorry.?Swallowing a big gulp of humble pie is painful for many of us, Ward notes, because “we don’t like feeling guilty, especially when we really didn’t intend any harm. It’s a blow to our self-esteem.”

5.Promise it will never happen again.?To avoid creating the impression that you’re only apologizing in order to get rehired, “you have to make it crystal clear that you will never make this mistake again no matter where you work in the future,” says Ward. “It’s not about getting a job. It’s about learning from your mistakes and becoming a better person.”

6.Offer to make amends.?If you can think of any way to make it up to the people you offended, suggest it. Since you don’t work at the same company (yet) as the recipients of your apology, here’s where you could say that you’re hoping they’ll give you a second chance to prove yourself.

7.Act on #6.?If possible, demonstrate you mean it by following through.

“People do forgive you if you take all seven steps, and often they respect you even more” than they did before you messed up, Ward says. But getting there isn’t easy — particularly in your case, he adds, because “you have to apologize, separately, to each of the two people who are upset with you.”

The encouraging part, of course, is that your willingness to repeat this process twice just might convince both the HR chief and the new boss that you’re sincere.

Good luck!