假設你是一家公司的高級副總裁，當你正準備為女兒過生日時，上司突然要求你去參加CEO主持的一個重要會議，你該怎么辦？

對于托尼?克拉布來說，這根本就不是問題，因為他此前已經就工作和生活的邊界問題，與上司達成一項“合作法則”。

在我組織的一次活動中，微軟公司的一名副總裁應邀發表了關于領導力的演講。他用短短幾句開場白就抓住了聽眾的心：“我從來沒有錯過妻子和三個孩子的生日，從來沒有錯過任何一次結婚紀念日，也從來沒錯過孩子們每學期的開學日、最后一天，或者任何一次校園劇的首演。”他列舉了許多例子，這些僅僅是其中一小部分。當時參加活動的均為高級領導者，他們錯過了這位公司副總裁列出的許多特殊場合。他們都想知道，一位負責數十億美元業務、需要統領全局的領導者，如何能做到不缺席所有這些場合。

于是，我們向他尋求答案。他解釋了他與家人達成的共識：隨著自身資歷越來越高，公司對他的要求必然會增加，但有些場合是神圣的、無可替代的。他可以接受經常出差，努力工作，但錯過這些重要的時刻，是他不能接受的。這是他協調工作與家庭生活的方式之一。通過出席這些活動，他向孩子、妻子和他自己展示出，什么東西對他才是最重要的。他還解釋說，這種價值觀融入了他與任何管理者達成的“合作法則”。在接受任何職務之前，他都會首先與上司達成某種協定。如果新上司不愿意接受他的“合作法則”，他就會拒絕這份工作。

明確自己想要什么

聽他演講時，真正觸動我的是，他非常清楚自己想要什么。他的職位要求他每天做出各種艱難的決定，不僅涉及他的業務，也包括他的工作方式，而他總是能夠發現那些能讓自己和最關心的人保持情感聯系的具體時刻；他的家人可以接受他的缺席，因為他們相信，在最重要的時刻，他一定會出現。

沒有人是萬能的，也沒有人能擁有一切。與上司或合作伙伴設定界限時，我們必須做出一些取舍。而重要的是，我們要清楚，哪些事情對我們是真正至關重要的，并圍繞它們來設定界限。你可以試試把下面這兩個問題的答案作為談判的基礎：

?對于你的工作或生活，你真正想要的是什么？（請具體說明。）

?為了完成對你真正重要的事情，你愿意放棄什么？

遇到問題先發制人

設定界限的另一個方面，是我所稱的“先發制人”。假如那位公司副總裁在女兒生日當天接到上司的電話，告訴他出現了一個嚴重的問題，需要他出席與微軟公司CEO的會議。大多數人在接到類似電話時，可能會抱怨幾句，但是馬上就會跟女兒打電話，解釋并道歉不能給她過生日了。

那么，那位公司副總裁會怎么做呢？遇到這種情況時，他只需要提醒上司之前達成的協定。雙方均明白他的價值觀；雙方都清楚“合作法則”。因此，討論的話題很快就會轉移到尋找這個問題的變通解決方案；拒絕出席如此關鍵的會議，確實很有挑戰性，但這并不是問題。

之前的協定已經表明了有些事情對你的重要性，表明了你的價值觀。我們尊重有明確且堅定價值觀的個人和領導者。先發制人戰術可以確定你的基本原則，幫助你管理自己的界限，而且可以提前避免艱難的溝通。

所以，當老板動不動就甩一項工作過來的時候，你該接嗎？你的“合作法則”是什么？你的上司清楚你的“合作法則”嗎？

本文經出版社授權，節選自托尼?克拉布的《紛繁世界，游刃有余》（BUSY: How to Thrive in a World of Too Much）一書。（財富中文網）

譯者：劉進龍/汪皓

審校：任文科

At one of my events, I had a corporate vice president at Microsoft come to speak to us about leadership. His opening few lines gripped the room: “I have never missed my wife’s birthday or the birthdays of any of my three children. I have never missed the first day or the last day of any school term. I have never missed my wedding anniversary. I have never missed the opening night of a school play.” This was just a small part of the list he reeled off. The room was full of senior leaders, all of whom had missed many of the type of special events listed by the CVP. They all wondered how it was possible for this man, running a billion-dollar business, in a global role, to be present for all those moments.

So we asked him. He explained the understanding that he and his family had come to: that while they accepted that demands on him would rise with his increasing seniority, certain moments were sacred and irreplaceable. He accepted he would travel a lot and he accepted he would work hard, but he would not accept missing these moments. They were one of his ways of harmonizing his work and his family life. In always being present for those moments, he demonstrated to his children, his wife and himself where his priorities lay. He also explained that this value of his was part of his “Rules of Engagement” with any manager. Before he agreed to take on any role, he would negotiate certain agreements with that manager. He would not take a job if a prospective new manager was unwilling to agree to his Rules of Engagement.

Be specific

What really hit me as I listened to the CVP was how wonderfully specific he was about what he wanted. His role required him to make tough decisions each day, not only about his business but also about the way he worked. He had been able to identify very specific moments that allowed him to feel connected to those he cared most about; they could accept his absences, confident in the knowledge that he would be there when it mattered most.

We can’t do or have everything. When setting boundaries, we have to accept that some things will have to give as we negotiate with our manager or partner. What’s important is that we are clear about those things that really matter to us, and build boundaries around them. Use your answers to the following questions as the basis for negotiating your boundaries:

? What do you (really) want when it comes to your work or your life? (Be specific.)

? What are you willing to let go of in favor of those things that are truly important to you?

The preemptive strike

The other aspect of boundary setting is what I call “the preemptive strike.” Let’s imagine our CVP gets a call from his manager telling him that a real issue has arisen and he needs to attend a meeting with the CEO of Microsoft on his daughter’s birthday. Most of us might grumble during this call, but it would be followed shortly after by an apologetic conversation with our daughter.

Consider the case of the CVP. When situations like this occur, all he needs to do is remind the manager of their prior agreement. Both people are clear about the values of the CVP; both people are clear of the Rules of Engagement. The discussion rapidly shifts to a workaround solution to this issue; the refusal to attend this critical meeting poses a challenge, but is not a problem.

Prior agreements demonstrate how important things are to you, where your values stand. We respect individuals and leaders who have clear and strong values. The preemptive strike sets out your ground rules and allows you to manage your boundaries, but defuses difficult conversations in advance.

What are your Rules of Engagement? How clear is your manager about your Rules of Engagement?

Excerpt from BUSY: How to Thrive in a World of Too Much by Tony Crabbe. Copyright ? 2015 by Tony Crabbe. Used with permission by Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.