你也許就是那種可以讓錢為你打工的幸運兒。可惜我不是，我的錢似乎總是很懶，“錢生錢”這種事從來沒有在我這實現過，我只能打工賺錢。

我不會像美國那些娛樂界名媛家族的千金小姐們那樣，在聚會上露個面就有人付錢；或是坐在地下室給什么人指點指點最近的風向，不管說得對不對先把一沓錢收入囊中；也沒人在我探尋全球貨幣流向的細微變動之時，給我斟上一杯23年派比?范?溫克波本酒。

那些都不是我。看起來，我的命就是天亮起床、刮臉、穿上制服后出門在礦山里勞作，等到收工哨聲響起，我再拖著疲憊的身軀回到簡陋的床鋪上蝸居幾個小時。第二天一大早，就再重復前一天的事情。

我這么做不是因為我喜歡，只是因為這樣做有錢賺。估計，這就是人們稱之為“工作”的工作吧。我其實并不怎么在意什么是工作，但是說實話，我確實很珍惜挖礦多年攢下的每一分錢。不管是什么原因造成了損失，我都會心痛不已。

這股“怕損失”的巨大沖動，就是貫穿我所有投資策略的最大動力。除此之外，我還相信，市場就是個非理性的怪物，任何時候都是由人類的貪婪和恐懼驅動的。

以下是我這些年來一直奉行的投資守則：

1、不要虧錢

我上面已經說過了，真正能保本的投資對象通常指的是債券。雖然券面價值時漲時跌，但最后總可以收回本金，而這對我來說至關重要。

2、不要投資作惡的公司

有些公司行事卑鄙下流至極，造成巨大的負面影響。我不想從他們身上賺錢，更不想因他們賠錢。

3、投資你日常使用的東西

對我來說，這是指無糖汽水、干酪漢堡和醫療衛生，以及蘋果和谷歌。這樣一想，獨角獸滅絕或許是有合理性的。

4、不要分散投資

每一個所謂的投資專業人士都說要將投資分散在各個行業。你知道我身邊有多少人因為這個糟糕的建議損失慘重嗎？簡直是一派胡言！市場崩潰時，誰的損失最慘重？就是那些聽信白癡說要分散投資的白癡，就是他們。注意！我們在說什么？哦，對了...

5、永遠不要相信市場是理性的

市場不是理性的。市場是愚蠢的，原因多種多樣。恐懼會讓你變蠢。貪婪會讓你變蠢。最重要的是，期待會讓你變蠢。

6、想賭博就去維加斯

你去過嗎？不妨找個時間去一趟。親身站在賭場里，再仔細想想賭博和投資游戲有何區別。來，告訴我。

7、珍惜你的錢袋

你會為了一只更好的狗而賭上自己的狗嗎？你會在撲克牌桌上拿自己的孩子當作賭注嗎？當然不會。那為什么要為一些不切實際的胡話押上可愛的、美妙的、來之不易的鈔票呢？

總之，最好的投資能帶來的最大回報就是安心。所以，我打算投資全世界最好的床墊。好床墊能讓我睡好覺，而且我能十分確信自己是躺在辛苦賺來的勞動果實上。

說起來，我似乎真的找到了一款頂級的瑞典床墊。它由Hastens公司手工打造，報價僅僅為49,500美元。是的，我知道很貴。但是，這款床墊一定超級大，能裝的現金肯定特別多啊。(財富中文網)

斯坦利?賓（Stanley Bing）是BingCo.執行主席、《財富》雜志專欄作家。其文筆幽默、老辣，頗受讀者喜愛。著作包括《你可以再狠一點》、《與象共舞：管理上司的藝術》、《職場兵法》、《一百種沒用的工作，以及如何得到它們》、《搞定惡老板》、《羅馬跨國企業》等。

譯者：馮豐

校對：夏林

Nobody pays me like a Kardashian just for showing up at the party. Or rewards me with a nice slice of money pie for sitting on my fundament and advising other people which way the weather is going to turn, whether or not I get it right. Or gives me a tumbler of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle to sip as I search for micro shifts in global currencies.

No, my fate, it seems, is to rise at dawn, scrape my face, strap on a monkey suit, and go out the door to labor in the mines until the whistle blows and I can drag my tired carcass back to my little pallet to grab a few hours of rest. Then the next day dawns, and I start it all over again. I don’t do it because I love it all the time. I do it because they pay me. That’s why they call it a job, I guess. I don’t mind it, exactly, but I’ll tell you that I certainly do appreciate every dollar I’ve managed to assemble after years of digging that salt. And losing any of it for any reason whatsoever makes me sort of sick to my stomach.

This powerful drive never to see even a centime circle the drain if I can absolutely avoid itis the central artery that pumps lifeblood into my entire investment strategy. That, paired with my conviction that the market is an irrational monster driven at any moment by other people’s greed and fear, has produced certain operating imperatives:

1、Don’t Lose Any @#$% Money.

Like I said. This, for the most part, means bonds. Value goes up or down, but in the end you get your principal back. That means a lot to me.

2、Don’t Invest in Evil.

There are companies that do really lousy things and have a huge negative impact on the world. I don’t want to make money on them. Or worse, lose money on them.

3、Invest in What You Use.

For me, this means diet soda, cheeseburgers, and health care. And Apple AAPL 0.77% and Google GOOGL 2.17% . Also, there’s probably a reason unicorns are extinct.

4、Don’t Diversify.

Every supposed market intellectual says to spread out one’s investments across the industrial firmament. Do you know how many people I know who lost a bundle following that BS advice? What a crock! When everything crashes, who loses the most? Idiots who listened to idiots who told them to invest in everything, that’s who. Focus! What were we talking about? Oh, yes?…

5、Never Believe That the Market Is Rational.

It isn’t. The market is stupid, for a variety of reasons. Fear makes you stupid. Greed makes you stupid. Most of all, hope makes you stupid.

6、If You Want to Gamble, Go to Vegas.

Have you been? Visit sometime. Stand in the middle of a big casino. Now spend some time wondering how this is different from the investment game. Go ahead. Tell me how.

7. Love Your Money.

Would you risk your dog for a chance of getting a better one? Would you bet your kids in a poker game? Of course not. Then why would you risk your lovely, delicious, hard-won money on some aspirational bushwa?

In the end, the best investments never really pay off in anything but peace of mind. That’s why I’m planning to invest in the best possible mattress I can find. It will help me sleep well, firm in the knowledge that I’m resting on the product of my own labor. There’s this handmade model by a Swedish company called Hastens that lists for a mere $49,500. Steep, I know. But man, that’s got to be one fantastic mattress. Think how much cash that baby could hold.?